Leaving your Tween Home…Alone?

Staying home alone: it may be obvious that a 7-year-old isn’t ready, and a 17-year-old is, but what about the ages in-between? Whether it’s a snow day or unexpected errand, there are undoubtedly going to be times you need to leave your child at home alone. Knowing when he or she is ready can be tough, especially since so many factors contribute to the responsibility of self care. If you’re trying to determine if your tween is ready, these five tips can help you decide:

House Rules

Undoubtedly you’ve established house rules, but do they need to be altered or expanded for home alone situations? Review rules with your tween before leaving her home alone, and consider any changes or special circumstances. Set limits on the computer and TV time and define any expectations you have for homework. While you’re away, answer questions about whether friends can come over or if your child can leave the neighborhood. If needed, role-play home alone scenarios such as making a meal or answering the phone.

Age & Maturity

Because children develop at different rates, there’s no specified age when all children are ready and able to stay at home alone. To gauge your tween’s maturity level, consider past behavior. Does your child generally follow directions, obey the house rules and make good decisions? He or she needs to understand the responsibilities and risks of staying home alone before being granted the privilege. Often children want to stay home alone, but then feel scared or lonely when they actually are left home alone. Talk to your tween about his or her readiness and expectations.

Safety Skills

Your child’s ability to practice certain safety skills is an essential factor in deciding his or her readiness. Does she know how to arm the alarm system? Can he remember to lock the door behind him? What should she do if a stranger knocks on the door?  This can provide peace of mind for both you and your tween. Of equal importance, your child needs to know what to do in case of an emergency. Set a safety plan for any of the stressful situations your child may face, such as calling the fire department, contacting you or finding help through a trusted neighbor.

What are the Circumstances?

The circumstances under which your child is left home alone can determine the success of his or her experience. While your tween may be ready to stay at home alone, he or she may not be ready to care for younger siblings. He might be comfortable during the day but scared during the evening. Consider the time of the day and how long he will be expected to care for himself. Will she have to fix a meal? Is that time usually when he would need help with his homework? Ease your tween into staying home alone by leaving during the middle of the day and for only an hour or so.

What If

Staying home alone sounds fun because tweens like the idea of freedom, but don’t overdo it. Even a mature, responsible tween shouldn’t be left alone too much. If you need to be away that often, Childwelfare.gov suggests other options such as after school programs, community centers, church groups, and youth organizations that help children stay busy and involved.

The Advent of the Cyberbully: Online Trends and Modern Bullying

20 years ago the word cyberbully might conjure blank stares and perplexed head scratching, but now, according to dosomething.org, 43 percent of kids have been bullied online. Only one out of 10 youngsters who is being bullied or targeted generally reports it to an adult, yet 75 percent of students have been to a website that bashes another student. As long as you’re plugged into a digital device, you are at risk for being accessed by thieves and bullies.

Whether you’re a parent or not, there are some things everyone should be aware of so we can all be a part of stopping this trend.

Keep Your Eyes Peeled

Warning signs can start with someone just wanting to befriend you and gain your trust, like in the case of Megan Meier, a teen who commit suicide after being bullied by a “friend’s” mom posing as a boy from a town over, according to abcnews.com. The signs can be subtle; if a new friend or a stranger you or your kids haven’t met begins to ask personal questions online, this is cause for concern. Teach your children to use caution when interacting with anyone online, no matter how sweet they seem to be.

While 68 percent of teens agree bullying is a serious problem, and one out of four victims has had it happen more than once, very few report it or confront. Dosomething.org states a whopping 90 percent just ignore it.

Beyond Bullies

Targeting children online isn’t limited to bullies either. Children are a burgeoning demographic for identity theft, according to Lifelock.com. NPR reports that children as young as 11 months old have had numerous credit card accounts taken out in their names, while teens have had found out someone has been using their social security number and collecting benefits for years.

Children make ideal targets because thieves don’t have to worry about a baby having filed bankruptcy, and toddlers have no idea how to take out or default on a loan. Children have no reason to check their credit score, so by the time they’re old enough to realize what has happened, the thief is long gone and off to the next victim.

Prevent and Fight Back

Some people are inclined to call the bully out, but that doesn’t always work, as they’re are often driven by any attention, positive or negative. Kids are afraid to tell their parents because they don’t want the parents to overreact and make things worse. StopCyberBullying.org states there is no one perfect way to stop cyberbullying once it starts, but there are some things you can do for each situation. You need to stay calm, take the bullying seriously, support your child, help them feel loved, inform the school. If the situation is bad enough, you may want to notify your pediatrician, family counselor or clergy for support. If the cyberbullying continues, notify the law enforcement agency and the cyber-harassment volunteers at WiredSafety.org to find the bully and evaluate the case.

For identity theft, look for odd mail addressed to you or your children like credit cards you don’t remember taking out, loan offers, or other offers from financial institutions you don’t belong to. Check your credit score every year, and your children’s every few years, to make sure everything is clear and safe. You may also want to consider investing in Identity Theft protection software.

Surfing Reveals Healing Powers

We came across a wonderful article in Southwest airlines’  magazine, Spirit, about the amazing healing powers of the ocean and more specifically, surfing.  Van Curaza, a former pro surfer, started a nonprofit called Amazing Surf Adventures that aims to rehabilitate people through surfing.  In 2008, he developed Operation Surf to help injured veterans.  Now Operation Surf offers programs not just for veterans, but also for at-risk youth and for anyone who is physically or cognitively challenged or struggles with addiction.

The article, “Still Waters,” highlights the story of 13-year-old Taylor Cottrell who suffered from a rare immune deficiency disorder.  Cottrell was so ill that she became housebound until she started learning to surf with Curaza.  Just a few short weeks after she began surfing, Taylor’s doctor confirmed that her blood tests revealed that she was healing at a rapid rate.  The article also tells the story of an Iraq War veteran whose life has completely changed after surfing with Curaza.  Bobby Lane, 26, suffered from PTSD and a brain injury after serving in Iraq and was near suicide until he attended Operation Surf.

Curaza himself suffered from addiction and turned to surfing to turn his life around.  When he got in trouble with the law for drug possession, he realized that he would no longer be able to surf if he kept making these decisions.  He then allowed the natural healing powers of the ocean to restore him.

Why have both of these people who have faced such difficult challenges seen unbelievable improvement from a sport?  Researchers are saying that it’s the amazing healing powers of the ocean.  Wallace “J” Nichols, biologist and researcher at the California Academy of Sciences, studies the positive effects the ocean has on our health.  His and others’ research is showing that our bodies produce dopamine and adrenaline when we surf or interact with the ocean in any way.  Nichols says we’re learning that the ocean is like medicine for us mentally and physically and believes that doctors will someday prescribe surf lessons and long walks on the beach.

Click here to read the article.

 

 

Pittsburgh Tribune Review: In Sandy Hook wake, mental health and guns intersect again

by Chris Togneri

More than a month after a gunman killed 20 children and six adults in a Connecticut elementary school, the nation continues to search for answers.

Some propose gun controls; others seek to re-examine the mental health care system.

Former FBI Special Agent Jim Fisher, a retired professor of criminal justice at Edinboro University of Pennsylvania, said nothing will prevent bloodshed.

“It‘s all feel-good talk intended to make people feel safe,” he said. “But life is not safe.”

The only way to prevent mass shootings, Fisher said, is to force every American to undergo a mental health examination, then imprison anyone who fails. In reality, society lacks the resources to diagnosis every dangerous sociopath, let alone pay for their forced treatment, he said.

“It would require a degree of monitoring and government intrusion that would be abhorrent to most people,” Fisher said. “In the end, most of us would say that to maintain our freedom and keep government from being even more costly than it already is, we‘re going to have to accept the crime.”

Yet mental health experts say small steps can lower the likelihood of mass shootings, even if a panacea does not exist.

They urge a national dialogue on how America treats the mentally ill.

“If a kid gets diagnosed with cancer, everybody in the community rallies around them,” said Amanda Thomas, a family adviser for Forging Futures, which counsels parents and their kids who suffer from mental illness. “But you start talking about, ‘My kid might be bipolar,‘ nobody knows how to respond.

“I hope for the sake of our children that this is going to be the start of a bigger, more uncomfortable conversation,” she said. “As a country, we need to be able to say, ‘I‘m not perfect. My kid‘s not perfect. How do we work together to deal with this?‘ ”

Nearly 58 million Americans, or one in four adults, experience a mental health disorder in a given year, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness in Arlington, Va. One in 17 Americans lives with a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, major depression or bipolar disorder; one in 10 children has a serious mental or emotional disorder, the alliance reports.

Authorities haven‘t confirmed that doctors diagnosed Adam Lanza, 20, the Newtown, Conn., gunman who killed his mother and himself following his massacre, with a mental disorder. Lanza‘s mother told friends that her son had Asperger‘s syndrome, a mild form of autism. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta considers autism a developmental disability.

Experts say a diagnosis isn‘t necessary to know that mental illness played a role in the slaughter.

“No healthy kid does this,” Thomas said. “No treated kid would intentionally do harm like this.”

Fewer than one-third of adults and one-half of children diagnosed with mental disorders receive treatment in a given year, according to alliance statistics.

Western Pennsylvania‘s recent history of mass shootings illustrates that treatment doesn‘t always work.

In 2000, Richard Baumhammers, 34, of Mt. Lebanon shot and killed six people. The next month, Ronald Taylor, 39, of Wilkinsburg killed three people and wounded two others during a shooting spree.

Both men had undergone mental health treatment, said Dr. Christine Martone, the chief psychiatrist for Allegheny County Behavioral Assessment Unit.

Last March, John Shick, 31, who received extensive treatment for schizophrenia, walked into the lobby of the Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic in Oakland with two semiautomatic handguns. He killed a therapist and wounded five hospital workers before University of Pittsburgh police officers fatally shot him.

Martone, who examined Baumhammers and Taylor and countless other mentally ill criminals in Allegheny County, said it is difficult to gauge success in mental health treatment.

“We only know when we‘ve failed,” Martone said. “I don‘t know how many times someone I‘ve forced into treatment would have otherwise done something bad. I don‘t know how many suicides in the jail I‘ve prevented. I only know when I failed.

“But we can‘t just throw our hands up and say, ‘We can‘t do everything, so we‘re not going to do anything,‘ ” Martone said. “No, we can‘t make it perfect, but we can make it better.”

Mental health advocates want more money for services.

Last year, Gov. Tom Corbett proposed a 20 percent cut to Human Services funding, which includes programs for mental health care. He settled on a 10 percent cut after negotiation with the Senate.

“We‘re not the federal government; we have to have a balanced budget in Pennsylvania,” Corbett told the Tribune-Review last month. “And I made a promise that we‘re not going to raise taxes.”

Despite the cuts, Pennsylvania spends more than all but three states on mental health programs, said Lynn Patrone, executive assistant to the deputy secretary of the state Office of Mental Health. Pennsylvania last year spent $280 per capita on mental health programs, compared with an average $120 in other states, Patrone said.

Politicians have reignited national debate about gun control.

President Obama vowed to push for “sensible, common-sense steps … to make sure that the kinds of violence we saw in Newtown doesn‘t happen again.” The National Rifle Association, the nation‘s powerful gun lobby, argued giving teachers guns would make schools safer.

Corbett said he would not support gun control laws, with the possible exception of requiring a gun owner to lock up firearms in a home where someone with a mental illness lives.

Preventing violence requires contributions from different fields, Martone and others said. Keeping guns out of dangerous people‘s hands is part of the equation, they said, as is identifying and treating the mentally ill and simply looking out for others.

“Families are not as tight as they used to be, communities are not as tight as they used to be,” Martone said. “In tighter communities, some of these people might have been recognized. Shick‘s family lived far away on a boat; he was someone who could go undetected.

“People will always kill people,” she said. “There‘s always going to be violence. There‘s always going to be mental illness. We can‘t make it all go away. But we can prevent some of it.”

Chris Togneri is a staff writer with Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-380-5632 or ctogneri@tribweb.com.

To view this article on the Tribune Review’s website, click here.

New York Times College Blog Reveals Stressed Seniors

The New York Times blog series, “The Envelope, Please” is a collection of articles written by high school seniors from around the world about their experiences with the college application process.  These students cover everything from writing application essays to applying for scholarships and financial aid.

The goal of the series is to guide other students and parents through the process and show that it is not as daunting as it appears to be.  However, the student bloggers’ anxiety shows in their posts and it’s important to look at the messages we are sending our children and how we can help simplify the process for them.

Leonardo Espinoza, a student in Kansas, says that choosing schools has become the “hardest task” he’s ever had to face.  Let’s face it: choosing which colleges to apply to should not be on anyone’s most difficult task list.  The problem is that students are told that choosing a college is the most important decision they’ll ever make, which simply isn’t the case. Yes, deciding a city or rural setting, the classes offered and size of the student body are all important factors and should be considered, but Espinoza laments that college is four years he will “never get back.”  This is true, but it is a dramatized way of looking at things and indicates the fact that students today are taught to completely over-think the college process.

An international student who only applied to ivy league schools says that she hopes she is able to “embrace the rejections coming [her] way.”  While her resolve can be admired, the competitiveness of schools today is unlike ever before and applying to only the most competitive schools, no matter how smart you are, seems like a recipe for disaster.  When students don’t apply to any safety schools, it is not unlikely that they will be rejected by every school they apply to, leaving them without any choices.

These blogs are proof that students are anxiety-ridden, stressed and truly obsessed with the college process.  If we can learn anything from this, it is to slow down and try to understand that these days, most colleges provide a world-class education that will allow students to make great careers and lives for themselves.

How to Talk to Your Children About the Newtown Tragedy

Like many parents across the country, you may be unsure of whether or not you should start a discussion about Friday’s tragedy with your children and if so, what to say.

A blog from the New York Times offers a helpful first step, which is to find out how much your child knows about what happened and if he or she is even thinking about it.  It’s important to consider each child individually to discern how to handle the situation, as the article states, because some children will worry more than others.

Credit: www.globalgrind.com

“Parents need to be proactive by initiating discussions with their children about what happened because children may well be avoidant.  Parents also need to be calm, validate children’s fears and worries, but at the same time let them know that what happened remains a very rare event. Children may show some transient signs of worry and anxiety for a week or two,” said Dr. Anthony Mannarino, director of the Center for Traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents at Allegheny General Hospital.

Elementary-aged children may not have heard about the massacre at school or through friends, so it’s up to the parent to decide whether or not to even bring it up if they are sure their child is unaware of what happened.  If you do choose to talk about the shooting, however, gather your thoughts beforehand and ensure that you’re giving your child some positive thoughts, rather than all worried thoughts.  For example, you can reassure your child that although something very bad happened, these types of events are still extremely isolated and it’s unlikely that they will ever encounter a situation this frightening.

Teenagers will obviously have heard about the story in more detail and have access to news sources and social media.  With your older children, simply ask them how they feel and commiserate that you also have worries and fears about what happened.  However, as the parent, you still need to assure them that you are their ultimate protector and will do everything in your power to keep them safe.  Encourage your teenagers to bring forth concerns or fears they have at any time.

Ultimately, it’s important not to leave your children wondering how to process their feelings.  Evaluate their individual personalities and behaviors to determine what exactly to say to them and know that there isn’t one right or wrong answer.  There also doesn’t have to be just one discussion about Friday’s catastrophe.  As time goes on and you and your child begin to process what happened, you can certainly bring it up again and check in with his or her feelings.

Sources: Parents, children and handling the news of the Connecticut Shootings-  Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

How Not to Talk with Children About the Newtown Shooting- New York Times

 

Tips to Reduce Holiday Stress

While there is joy and excitement around the holidays, many people also find this time of year to be stressful.  Whether it’s family gatherings, money or the general business of the holidays, there is a lot to fret about.  Here are some tips that will help you not only reduce stress, but also help you enjoy the blessings that the season brings.

1. Keep it Simple

Most things that you find to be complicated around this time of year can be simplified and make the season run more smoothly.  For instance, try a secret Santa gift exchange amongst your family so that you aren’t buying excessive amounts of presents.  Review your calendar at the beginning of the season and be sure to keep enough nights free so that you can relax.

2. Daily Gratitude and Appreciation

Be thankful for your blessings every day.  Remember what the season is about and don’t get wrapped up in the materialism of it all.

3. Stay Focused in the Present

Whether you’re shopping, working around the house or actually with friends and family at a party, remember to be present in and enjoy the moment.  If you’re having quiet time,

 

 

The Price of Affluence

Research is showing that privileged teens may be suffering from depression more than ever before.  According to an article in the American Psychological Association’s Monitor on Psychology, adolescents who come from higher income homes are experiencing more depression, anxiety and substance abuse than teens in any other socioeconomic group in the country. 

Our family advisor Amanda Thomas has worked with privileged teens for years and wholeheartedly confirms that this is the trend that she has seen firsthand.  She believes that this group of young adults are often overlooked because they are star athletes, great students and often hide their behaviors from family and friends.  The adults in their lives, including teachers, coaches and therapists also tend to minimize their problems because they fear resistance from the young adults and their parents.  They fear lawsuits and often feel intimidated by the young adult and his family’s power and wealth, which keeps them from intervening when they see a problem arise.

Thomas observes that achievement pressure, parent isolation, materialism and lack of healthy self-development are just a few factors that create feelings of emptiness amongst young adults in this socioeconomic group.  Amanda’s goal when working with our clients is to help them develop positive and lasting relationships, resiliency traits, responsibility and internal motivation.

Ultimately, pain is present within all populations, but we are discovering that this particular population of privileged young adults greatly needs our help.

Click here to read the “The Price of Affluence.”

Sources:

Amanda Thomas- Forging Futures Family Advisor

“The Price of Affluence” by Amy Novotney from American Psychological Association’s Monitor on Psychology (January 2009, Vol 40, No. 1)

 

National Suicide Prevention Week Starts Today

Today marks the beginning of National Suicide Prevention Week, as well as World Suicide Prevention Day.  Almost 3,000 people commit suicide everyday and many of them are adolescents.  According to the CDC, suicide is the third leading cause of death among youth between the ages of 10 and 24, which shows that treating depression and early signs of suicide in adolescents is extremely crucial.

Despite the horrific  impact suicide has on our society, we don’t hear about and discuss awareness, treatment and prevention as much as we should.   Therefore, today should just be the beginning of bringing light to suicide awareness throughout the year, rather than just once a year.

While clinicians and treatment professionals work to save lives everyday, they can’t help those who haven’t sought treatment.  If you know someone who suffers from depression or has suicidal thoughts, seek help for them today.

For more information about National Suicide Prevention Week and World Suicide Prevention Day, visit http://www.take5tosavelives.org/ and the World Health Organization’s website.

The Alliance to Hold ‘A Message of Hope’ Fundraiser

The Drug Alliance, which is dedicated to helping stop drug abuse among youth in Allegheny County, will host “A Message of Hope” fundraiser on September 20. The event will premiere a video entitled “Listen II,” which is a sequel featuring powerful stories of families who have been affected by addiction.

After reading the final installment of “Heroin’s Siren Song” in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette on Sunday, which chronicles local families’ losses of loved ones due to heroin overdoses, we are very inspired by the excitement surrounding the Alliance’s event and hope that anyone who can will attend. The Post-Gazette article emphasizes that addiction can affect anyone, no matter their race, age, gender, education or socioeconomic background, which is also a theme within the video “Listen II,” that will premiere at the Alliance Fundraiser. Drug addiction touches so many lives and in order to combat it, we need to break down the barriers of the stigmas surrounding it.  Fortunately, progress is already being made with articles such as “Heroin’s Siren Song” and events such as the upcoming “Message of Hope” fundraiser.

As more organizations and individuals join forces to help those suffering from this disease, we are proud to be on the front lines helping adolescents and families when they need it most.

For more information on the “Message of Hope” fundraiser, visit the Drug Alliance website or call 724.612.5554.